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Men’s Anger – Healing ~ Our Internal Toxic Judgements

Men’s Anger – Healing ~ Our Internal Judgements

Our emotion of anger is generally a reaction to external triggers.  We men have been socially conditioned to react with anger.  We are not allowed to show anxiety or fear on the football field or the school ground growing up!  Other men would target you and we would be bullied or judged.

We are not allowed to show anxiety or fear on the football field or the school ground growing up!  Click To Tweet

Anger is an emotion

Anger is a difficult emotion to address especially when we have habitually defaulted to it. I believe what underlies my anger are my deeper vulnerability my ~ emotional hurts and wounds.  Instead of feeling the vulnerability we have learned to convert it to anger – a false power of the Alpha Male Ego (e.g., Lion King).  These are challenges to our belief systems, our intellectual world order is in chaos – e.g., (1 + 1 isn’t equalling 2).  If I am not being heard I may experience a wound of being invalidated.

Toxic Internal Anger

Through the years of inner journey work, I have noticed how much of this external anger is also internalized at ourselves.  The toxic inner critic starts early and is really damaging.  The toxic critic is rage fully shaming our self-worth.  The inner critic harshly judges our vulnerable self as not being good enough, not man enough, weak because we are not coping or taking the pressure.

The toxic inner critic starts early and is really damaging. Click To Tweet

In this sand-play therapy, the process reveals how severe his inner anger was towards himself.  Kicking himself, putting the boot in and when perceived criticism comes from external triggers the internal rage wrongly gets expressed at others.

Anger is an Emotion – Violence is a Behaviour

When rage is reached, the emotion of anger is turned into violent behavior, and the poisoned darts are verbally thrown.  The brain is gone off-line with the male reptilian brain of the fight, flight or freeze defaults.  Many men just shut themselves into freeze to shut off this internal anger and rage.

When rage is reached, the emotion of anger is turned into violent behavior. Click To Tweet

In this sand-play therapy, the process reveals how severe his inner anger was towards himself.  Kicking himself, putting the boot in and when perceived criticism comes from external triggers the internal rage wrongly gets expressed at others.

Anger, shutting it down in freeze mode

When rage is reached, the emotion of anger is turned into violent behavior.  The brain is gone off-line with the male reptilian brain of the fight, flight or freeze defaults.  Many men just shut themselves into freeze to shut off this internal anger and rage.  This person closes his anger down and internalizes it.

Sand-play therapy

In this sand-play therapy work, the person I was working with came in fairly flat and we used this symbol to define how it felt.  His body language was very slumped in the process.  As he was in this space we had a conversation and his self-esteem is a bit down and there’s a bit unfortunate, that how he’s feeling.  He said it’s quite familiar and because he did feel like that we then looked at, do you judge it?  He talked about judging and you know, we bought in this symbol that’s quite, its a very strong judge (inner critic) and then I invited him to explore, how does he, “armor” that up?  He used the ‘Knight’ to armor that up and we sat here for some period of time experiencing in silence a presence to – the dialogue going on inside himself (inside his mind) when this dynamic is present within his being, within his psyche.  He does get really angry with himself and the judge in the back, that ‘golden emperor figurine’ g can be the judge.  The Knight is the armoring up to shut it all down.  The judge can be very external too.  What we judge outside we can also internally judge ourselves.  It is some very serious judging and you know, it’s doing some very serious harsh judging.

‘Feel the emotional feeling’ is healing

As we worked through this, we just sat present to it.  This is done in silence allowing the inner reflections, and feelings to be experienced.  By being present to the feelings in our body, especially trauma we are gently titrating it, by giving presence and love to the old wound or inner anger dynamic.  We stayed with the dialogue and felt into the dynamic and yes, it’s a very familiar dynamic.  Then, I then asked a reflective question back and asked, where’s the great soul of you that is easy going, happy go lucky, part of you?  The self in him that would take his shirt off.  He gives his shirt off his back to her, or to another person.  You know that beautiful, gentle soul that you can be.

In silence allowing the inner reflections, and feelings to be experienced. Click To Tweet

‘Shrek’ ~ Happy Go Lucky Self

He thought about that for a moment.   In this process you then chose this symbol, “Shrek” and you know Shrek is the happy go lucky, lovely character, lovely figurine.  He is a very happy go lucky person and when he placed that symbol down or when it was placed on the table, normally it’s in a sand tray.  When he placed it on the table – there was a totally different effect in his body.  His body started to lift up and you could see the smile and to see the happiness and it’s there.  It was really quite powerful to-to experience it.

Anger at Self – putting the ‘Boot in

Then there’s the dynamic that keeps coming and going.  This dynamic is, when he is down, he then you know he starts putting a “boot” (symbol) into himself.  The ability to capture the happy go a lucky sense of self is sort of drowned out by these horrendous, tough looking inner critics, full of judgment.  To armour up takes a load of invisible energy.  I’d hate to be a knight in the old days carrying all that armor around. It would have been hard work to protect.

‘Armoring Up’ versus Happy Go Lucky ‘Shrek’

This armoring up can then overpower the ability to feel that ‘happy go lucky’ – Shrek character (symbol) that typifies his great soul, his easy-going mind.   When we continued on in the conversation it was really powerful to then enquire – well what does that figurine – that sad, fetal position, feeling really down?  What does it need?   Where did this criticism come from?  Where did this booting come from?

The Handed down chalice of ‘toxic masculinity’ –

Unfortunately, it’s quite common for us men, that our fathers are trying to do the right thing. It’s that old masculinity.  Some of it’s quite toxic.  That masculinity, we are trying to do the right thing by our sons and say right, you know, you gotta ‘man up,’ –  You gotta get out there and you know, survive in the world, which is correct, but it’s the delivery of it that can be internalized is perpetual criticism.

In asking that and learning that, he’s learned too yep, when he’s down, he also now puts the boot in! ‘Shrek’ then, doesn’t that ‘beautiful soul-that happy go lucky soul’ that ever essence soul.  There he is (pointing to him), where he is – he’s not able to shine at all.  He is sort of caught up in all this dynamic.  It seems that if we sometimes have that depressive effect or “beat up” self – we are putting ourselves down when we are not coping.  We tend to lose sight of that and continue to beat up on ourselves.

‘Spirit Masculinity’ ~ Our Deep Essence of Empowered Loving-Kindness

When in asking and inquiring about, well, what does that need?  What did it want from your father?  Then this figurine was then placed in – this is that loving relationship, that reassurance, that comfort, that strength, that beautiful “Spirit Masculinity” that our fathers do have, and we have as men.  That there (father & son symbol) placing that there, was enabling to – How can I work at reassuring myself in this space?  Instead of giving the negative messages, you know, can I associate you and bring in the happy go lucky self?

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Changing the neural wiring to loving-kindness

Can I give myself gently, caring messages rather than the negative criticism, which keeps perpetuating the flatness?

At that moment, was really powerful to watch the energy, the experience in the body.  I think for men and the experience of men is yes, we do need to reframe and relearn a lot of things that we do to ourselves and others.  Instead of when we are down and not coping and how do we ‘Adult” ourselves?   How do we be the parent that we wanted to have?   I think for a lot of men, the person that we want the most admiration from and the most love from, is our father and unfortunately, I’m wondering whether through our experiences that haven’t been forthcoming it’s the sort of, the old story of hard love.

The final part of this process was bringing in what I call the “Inner Wisdom” (symbol). This is that powerful part of us that knows how to look after ourselves.  It can care for us.  It can, it’s that inner wisdom!  It’s quite a Spiritual aspect.  It’s very powerful and I sometimes call it the spirit warrior.  How do we rely on that spirit warriors to come forward and to allow ourselves – to just to allow it to be there?

Spirit Warrior Energy

The bringing in of the spiritual warrior, the spirit warrior is the deep inner wisdom and ultimately I have the little figurine down there.  Yes, our fathers were right that we do need to learn to be able to manage in the world and cope in a world.  By developing and connecting to that deep Inner Wisdom, that deep power within our self.  It may be making life more bearable.  This is the deep surrendering the powerful surrendering.  The letting go.

The Spiritual warrior is the deep inner wisdom. Click To Tweet

Flow in all realms ~ Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually

The connection, our connection to “All That Is.”  Sometimes, I use the “aha moments” –  to describe where everything lines up in our psyche – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.    This dude at the back (back of table) this beautiful, powerful inner wisdom, you know the Spirit Warrior, he is not going to harm the vulnerable self that when we’re depressed when we’re not coping, we can get very depressed.  Instead of putting the ‘boots’ in, instead of doing all the judging – Is what messages might have for us?

Soul message to Self

Those messages, I would imagine, come from deep within us at a deep Soul level.  Learning to connect to this is not easy. You know, (Shrek – Symbol) is maybe the happy go lucky part of our ego.   But yeah, you know, he has bad days.  He’s not always going to be happy go lucky.   Instead, when we’re not happy-go-lucky, how do we then default to this?   Do we then start getting critical of yourself and judging ourselves? And how do we parent ourselves?  How do we father ourselves that essence of yourself?  What we wanted back then – what we most wanted back then, was the appropriate affirmations, the appropriate acknowledgment!!  Yes, sometimes we do need to be ticked off and you know, critiqued.   It’s how?  The how it was critiqued, the energy, the tone of voice, and with a lot of that toxic masculinity.

Those messages, I would imagine, come from deep within us at a deep Soul level. Click To Tweet

Yes, the advice was good advice, but man it was loaded!!  You can sort of seeing that now.   It’s how do we bring this visual memory?   How do we then take that and what happens a lot of times I invite the person I’ve worked with to take a photo.  Place this on your phone and come back to it too.  To start to reconnect to the different aspects of ourselves.   The idea is that the more we reconnect if we start placing these things here (symbols) in front of the front of those (symbols) – I’m wondering what sort of protection that will give us that internal protection that we do need into the point in time?   How do we listen? How do we hear the voice of that inner wisdom, that powerful voice that Spirit Warrior that does exist within us and men?  That Spirit Warrior as a “Spirit Rock Masculinity, not toxic masculinity!!   Learning to come, learning to feel – to connect into these different aspects of our psyche, they’re there.  In this process where we’re externalizing it, we’re putting it out there and we’re giving voice to it through the process of a therapy technique called Voice Dialogue.

I hope this video these symbols have shared a story, this person’s story in his inner journey ~ Blessing & Namaste.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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