Connecting to & Embracing Adoption ~ Episode 63 ~ My Conversation with Anne Janev

Heart of Connection Podcast
Heart of Connection Podcast
Connecting to & Embracing Adoption ~ Episode 63 ~ My Conversation with Anne Janev

Connecting to & Embracing Adoption 

Mark [0:00] I’d like to welcome Anne Janev to the World Heart of Connection today.  Annie’s a long term Geelong (ite).  She lived in and was born and raised in Geelong.  Moved away for about 12 months but loved Geelong so much it was home and she came back.  Today I’d like to welcome you to the World Heart of Connection podcast. I look forward to having a conversation with you about the connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is.’  Where do we start Annie – how do you – the connection to Geelong sounds like – you to move away for 12 months and then come back. That to me sounds like there’s some connection to home.

Connecting to Geelong My Home

Anne [0:43] Yeah, there is absolutely.  We moved to Queensland when Chloe was five weeks old, my oldest. My father passed away while we were up there.  I came back to see Mum and obviously for the funeral and so forth.  I bought Chloe with me and decided I wanted to stay here.  So said to the hubby who was still up there come back you know. So yeah I wanted to be with family,  miss my friends and there are areas in Geelong that I drive through and I just love being in.  So I missed all that.

Mark [1:22] What are some of those areas can you?

Anne [1:24] Newtown.  I was brought up in Newtown.  So it still gives me a sense of – just a lovely feeling when I drive through there.  Yeah.  Going through and past kids’ houses that I played in when I was a kid.  Obviously Mum and Dad’s house, I take the grandchildren to pass there often.  Different walks.  There are lots of areas that are like in Geelong.  I like East Geelong.  There are some areas that I feel a little bit oppressed in and I don’t know why but these areas I stay away from.

Connecting to the Nostalgic Nature of Geelong

Mark [2:04] So that’s the connection for you.  Their long term connections.  When you have those memories as you’re walking down past the old home – can you describe what the connections like in your body and in your being?

Anne [2:23] Yeah, it’s fuzzy. In my body, it would be just a warm feeling nostalgic.  Yeah, it’s a really nice feeling because I was secure, I think.

Mark [2:43] When we talk about connection, that’s a part of the connection, isn’t it?  What you’ve just shared?

Anne [2:50] Yes.

Connecting to My Family of 5 Children

Mark [2:52] You’ve got five children – connection to children pretty powerful?

Anne [3:00] Exactly yeah.

Anne [3:06] As an adopted child myself, I think I’ve realized that love isn’t everything for me.  A lot of it has been trusted. So my big thing with my kids was for them to trust me and for them to feel secure.

Anne [3:11] Because I guess I just sort of felt at times that I’ve missed out on that – right in the very beginning.  So, yeah.  So I try to connect with that – as when I was small, my big thing was making them feel secure.  Even if things weren’t good at home, I’d try and smile all the time.   Because I didn’t want them to think anything was wrong.  So that’s been a big thing with me making them feel secure.

Making My Children Safe & Secure

Mark [4:05] Making them feel secure – did that help you in your connections?

Anne [4:14] Yes. Sometimes I think – feelings are really funny because we think we’ve got through things and then, of course, something rears its head again.  Yeah, it’s tricky, it’s very confusing.

Mark [4:37] It’s really interesting when you just said that something rears its head again.  It’s like – that’s the hard part of being sort of human sometimes, do know what I mean? Oh, here it is again and I wonder whether that’s an old experience or an old feeling or old emotion or old something. That we’ve pushed down into the subconscious and we wish it would go away but it never seems to go away.  When it rears its head is it asking us to give it some connection, some attention?

Connecting to My Adoption

Anne [5:20] Yes and I don’t think that – well for me I probably didn’t want to know about it at different stages.  So I put it off.  I was fortunate enough to meet my natural sister at 17 years old.  It was a feeling that I’ve never been able to explain.  I still can’t explain it.  But I had a lot of memories of her and me when we’re little.  So that’s been really special.  But when it comes to feelings of you know – I’ve met all the natural family too.  It’s been a very similar feeling with a lot of them.  But each time – look it’s sometimes you don’t know whether you belong to your adoptive family or you belong to the other family and you just sit in the middle.  And it’s trying to – your feelings can become really confused.  I think for me, I push them away at times and other times they just build up and I explode.  So not to everybody, I just cry.  So, and then there are other times in your life where you feel you’ve accepted it.  Your feelings are sort of – you’ve validated them and you feel at peace.  And like I said before, something will just trigger.  It can be anything and it’ll set you down a little pathway again, that you’ve got to try and work out yourself again. But it’s not always easy.

Connecting to Our Healing

Mark [7:03] What it’s such a down that pathway – is it inviting you not easily but perhaps painfully?  Again, I’m not sure – to connect to it?  To do some healing with it?  What’s your experience?  Can you describe what your experiences are of it?

Anne [7:22] Yeah.  I’ve had a fair bit of counseling, some help, some didn’t.  Quite often, I used to feel that I would come away and be more confused, more upset.  I think it’s only us, ourselves that can really help ourselves.  Yeah, you can have support from other people and I think everybody deserves support, doesn’t matter what who they are, what they’ve been through.  There’s a reason for all sorts of things in people’s lives.  I think when it comes to it – it’s us and we’ve just got to face the fact that, okay, we were abandoned and we’ve grieved and I think we continue to grieve at different times.  You know, sometimes we feel lost, sometimes I feel blessed.  There are often times I feel really grateful for what has happened to me because it’s doesn’t define me, but it’s a big part of me.  It’s my story.  So, I think you’ve just got to – you’re the one that’s got to sort yourself out

Connecting to Music – My Go-To

Mark [8:39] Connecting to your-self in that process, is that the sorting itself out?

Anne [8:44] Yeah, but it’s hard.  My go-to is music and I would be lost without it.

Anne [8:56] You know, I don’t always open up straight away.  Someone will know – one of the kids will say what’s wrong Mum?  I don’t know, I’m just having a moment or having a day.  And then a couple of days I’ll realize that or I think I try and push things deep inside again for a while.  But I play music and that always makes me feel better – always.

My Connection to Music Moves Me

Mark [9:24] The connection to music, what does that bring for Annie?

Anne [9:28] Depends on who I’m playing.  What I’m playing.  When I want to feel close to God, I play at the moment, a lot of American Indian music. I play it loud and it gives me a sense of being somewhere else in another time place.  I play a lot of – I play anything.  It just moves me, it always moves me.  It’s good for your Soul.

Mark [10:00] When you say moves you – the connection to it in the moving – does that move you Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually?

Anne [10:08] Yes.  It can.  I don’t know. To me, it just soothes all over. Soothes my soul, my heart, my mind – yeah my body.

Soothes My Soul, My Heart, My Mind

Mark [10:28] Are you centred when it soothes you like that?

Anne [10:32] As in?

Mark [10:32] Oh, just really clear – it’s like a real centred.  Really grounded, really in the moment.

Anne [10:38] Yeah, I am

Mark [10:40] Really present. It’s like everything’s lined up?

Anne [10:44] Yeah.  And if I haven’t had a chance to have a morning of just music, I start to get a little bit fidgety.  I say that’s not really fidgety – it’s just like I need to music.  That’s what I need.  I need to put music on. My house is very busy.

Mark [11:04] So there’s something in you that’s just letting you know – Hey Annie it’s time?

Anne [11:10] Yeah, absolutely.

Connecting to my Good Place

Mark [11:13] So there’s a connection to something in there that’s just reminding you. Yes. That sounds really beautiful and sounds like it’s really soothing and it’s a great mechanism to let go and connect to whatever you’re connecting to.  And this is the really hard part of this conversation. Sometimes we can’t put the words to what we’re connecting to. It’s beyond words. When you’re well connected to yourself, how do you experience that impacts on your connection to others?

Anne [11:56] I’m probably better to be around I suppose.  I’m probably in the position where I’m okay to listen to them. You know if they need me.  If I’m in a good place – I mean if we’re all in a good place we’re better for other people I think.  While maybe not for everybody maybe.  I just feel like I need to be in a good place. I shut myself away a little bit if I’m not.  When I’m ready, I’ll walk out the front door again.

Mark [12:41] When you experience the shutting away, is that a deliberate disconnect to reconnect back to Annie?

Anne [12:54] Yeah.

Mark [12:55] Like a recharge?

“Disconnect to Reconnect”

Anne [12:56] Yeah it would be.  Just this, I think, I’m the sort of person who, with five children is very busy and grandchildren.  You know, if a couple of them have got something going on, I need to pick that one thing and deal with it, in my mind.  I get through that and then focus on the other one, which sometimes doesn’t sound fair, but the only way I can do it.  It all becomes too much otherwise.  So yeah, it’s just recuperating, I suppose and resting and thinking about where you’re going.

Mark [13:38] It sounds like really appropriate self-care?

Anne [13:41] Yeah, without being aware, I think.

Mark [13:45] In the conversations, people have been talking about the need to disconnect to have alone time. It’s not out of spite or malice.  It’s just that disconnect to recharge.  The cliche is to “disconnect to reconnect.”  To recharge, and to reconnect back to self.  And that’s really important if we don’t be connected back into ourselves to…

Connecting to Space for our Recharge

Anne [14:17] We are so busy.  It’s not just people that are adopted, it’s everybody.  There’s so much going on and I think we’ve just got to take time out.  Like work, going out all the time all those sorts of things we get so carried away these days.  I think we all need to take time out, work out what the next step is.  Otherwise, I think things just build up physically, mentally, and you’re not facing things because you just keep going all the time.

Mark [14:58] I wonder whether it’s a bit of a familiar pattern for a lot of us in this Western world.  We’ve become a lot busier and we just keep pushing through pushing.  Without taking the time to really connect in with ourselves to see hey what is really going on in my body and my being?

Anne [15:19] Yeah, I think, especially for Mums and Dads.  But for me as a woman with all the kids, I think we were building – we’re bringing up our children.  And we go through that stage where we feel a bit grungy, we’re not looking after ourselves properly.  Everything is about the children which it should be. But we’ve got to learn to take time out for ourselves.  And I think you know, me when I hit my 40s, things just changed.  I think you’ve just got to be aware that as we get older – I don’t know just as women we need to really learn to think for ourselves.  Yeah, take time out for ourselves and then bringing our children up we don’t do that enough.  But there’s not always the opportunity to do that.

Mother’s Connect to Children First & Self Second

Mark [16:20] It’s like for mothers It’s like putting their children first connecting to their children first and connecting to themselves second, isn’t it – a lot of the time?

Anne [16:31] Yeah.

Mark [16:34] I would assume that will always be the case – would that be the case for women?

Anne [16:39] Absolutely because it doesn’t stop.

Anne [16:41] It doesn’t stop but I think middle-aged you do.  You can’t help but your children are leaving home and finding their own way.  Got their partners and whatever.  Yeah, it can a bit hard. I know I remember hearing about women that would get sad that the kids were all leaving home.  They’ve gone off to University, go here, go there, and I think we gotta let them live their life.  This is – that was my feelings in my late 20s and I already had a couple of babies.  As mine I’ve got older too – I’ve started to understand that.

Mark [16:41] It doesn’t stop?

More time for Self-Reflection & Self-Connection

Mark [17:21] And as they leave home – does that then give you more time to self-reflect and have more connection to yourself?

Anne [17:29] Yeah it does and it’s probably not always good.  Like – for me, I have to make sure that I will still push myself to socialize.  Otherwise, you can just – become – that’s me.  I love my home, I am a homey person anyway.   I need to push myself but it is good at the same time to sit at home and just reflect I suppose. So it’s finding the – what’s the word find the middle of the road for it – the balance.

Mark [18:10] Social connections?  Do they can they bring aliveness to you?  Having that social connection going out to family and friends?

Anne [18:22] Yeah, absolutely.  I had a lot of friends growing up. A lot of friends during the ’80s, I was in my 20’s then. I have a handful of really good friends now, very close.  Yeah, they know me through and through. Sometimes they know me more than I do.  Yes, I’d be lost without who I’ve got in my life now.

Connection to Others So Important

Mark [18:51] And it sounds like their really solid connections all the way through.  In that solid connection, they’ve got to know you really well.  How important is that connection to be able to reach out to them when things are surfacing – oh here it is again?

Anne [19:13] Yeah, it’s pretty important. I – sometimes I walk away from it,.  Depending on what’s going on with them. So and then I seem to just talk to my family about it.  So as much as I’ve got really good friends.  I don’t know.  I know I do open up.  There’s one particular that I do quite a bit.  But I don’t like burdening people.

Mark [19:55] That’s a…and that’s important to you.  To recognize that you don’t like doing that. That’s an important connection and that’s protecting yourself.  That’s really important. In terms of the connection to others, It some of its great and some of it’s can be triggers.  In terms of that connection, broadening the connection to the ‘All That Is’ – I’m sort of wondering when you’re in music – when you’re playing music, are you then in that connection to the ‘All That Is’ that’s just greater than you when you’re in the sounds of music?

Music Is My Connection to My ‘All That Is’

Anne [20:44] Yes I am.  Yeah, I am and I can feel peace.  As I said, a lot of music will bring me close to God.

Anne [21:00] I wouldn’t call myself a very strong Christian, but yeah my beliefs are there.  I do my best and I know that he understands me, so that’s okay.  Like nature, I Utube on and so music that’s very powerful.  It will have animals and it will have beautiful scenery in it and so forth and I can feel really close.  That’s if I haven’t been able to go for a drive out into the country or to the beach or somewhere.  It’s just nice, it’s really nice.  So, yeah, I think obviously, there’s to me, my faith is in God and his creation.  I’m not really strong when it comes to you know, to that but I try.  And that’s all he asks.

Mark [21:57] When you connect to that God?  Is there a letting go?

Connecting to My God ~ Is Trust

Anne [22:03] As in – who I am?

Mark [22:08] Who you are?  What’s coming up?  What’s not coming up?

Anne [22:11] Yeah, there is.  There is, you know, I think I mentioned to you once that I find it difficult to pray.  I’d always wondered why.  And I think it’s because I felt I wasn’t good enough even for him.  So, but I believe it’s in his hands.  You know, I believe that he knew every hair on my head when I was a baby.  I believe his word. So yeah, I just have to learn to trust. That’s trusting.

Mark [22:47] The connection to the trust? Would you put that down – where does that come from?  That connection to trusting in the universe, trusting in God, trusting in whatever?  Where would that come from?

Anne [23:06] I – that’s an interesting question.

Abandonment In my Adoption

Anne [23:10] I think for me, it’s probably from the abandonment when we were children, babies, whatever.  I had beautiful parents who adopted me.  They were the best and, and I did trust them.  I never felt insecure with them ever.  And yet that little girl inside – that little inner child did feel insecure.  So you know, no matter how much Mum and Dad put into the parenting of me and like I said, I trusted them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there’s always was this thing of something’s going to happen?

Mark [24:01] As you’re sharing that with me, what was coming up in my sense was and I don’t know whether sits right for you or wrong for you.  Was there something missing?

Anne [24:13] Yeah.

Adoption – There’s A Missing?

Mark [24:15] Is that sense of something missing?

Anne [24:16] Yep.

Mark [24:19] And is that something missing that – connection at that primal connection at birth?

Anne [24:27] Yes.

Mark [24:29] That’s what’s missing?

Anne [24:30] Yeah.

Mark [24:32] And it’s hard to put words – it’s just a felt – Is it a felt sense?

Connecting to that Heavy Feeling Within

Anne [24:38] It’s a very deep heavy feeling for me. Yeah.

Mark [24:47] And I imagine the journey throughout the years – Have you noticed you’ve been able to connect to that inner child?  And give her the connection that she…

Giving Her the Connection She Deserves

Anne [25:05] Deserves.

Anne [25:08] Yeah.

Mark [25:09] Great word.

Anne [25:09] Yeah, I try, I’ve tried.

Mark [25:15] And you’re when you’re connecting to the ‘All That Is’ – what do you notice happens or what do you experience to the inner child when you’ve connected to the God and to the ‘All That Is’ of nature, ocean, whatever that is for you?

Music Is My ‘All That Is’

Anne [25:31] Ummm, you know, I don’t really know. I know – some music I play is Motown music.  I love a lot of Motown music that comes from my childhood.  My very early years before I was adopted.  It reminds me of sister and me.  She was a year older than me, and she wasn’t adopted.  So I think that takes me back to my inner child and those memories and it makes me feel good when I play it.  My sister and I actually share it on UTube songs.

Anne [26:22] And then, yeah I don’t really know. I don’t know.

Mark [26:28] It’s just been interesting in the conversations with others in the Heart of Connection conversations that when they connect to ‘All That Is’ be it a God, be it nature – it’s like – it’s everything seems to align up physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and everything dissolves.  There is no mental health.  There is no – it’s just.  In my inner journey work of healing the inner child – it’s when I’m in that – soul mindfulness of being or just in that space, it’s like “Aha”.  It’s like everything’s dissolved.  Not easy to I wish I could hold that 24/7 and levitate above Tibet with it.  But I can’t it is coming back into the here and now and yeah the throes of life.

Let Adoptees Ask Their Questions

Anne [27:23] And I think one of the big things is – I want to say this.  Because if anybody’s listening who is adopting a child, let them talk.  Don’t let them they afraid to ask questions.  I think it’s really important.

Anne [27:45] Because adoptees are afraid to ask questions, whether it be their natural family or their adopted family, in fear that they’re going to upset the billy cart.  And yeah, so growing up we seem to hold back from things and when we don’t learn to be open that goes on with us continuously about other things.  So yeah, I just think it’s really important if you’re going to adopt a child and if you’re a person that’s been adopted, try and find out what you can.  Yeah, if you need to just because otherwise, it’s going to build up. Yeah inside you.

Connecting My Adoption Jigsaw Pieces Came Naturally

Mark [28:32] The finding out of what you can just put pieces the jigsaw puzzle together for you?

Anne [28:40] Yeah it does and not everybody needs that.  And I never growing up – I never ever thought about looking for my family.  It was all accidental me meeting my sister.  So it was meant to be.  My daughter actually said to me last night that it’s funny how I like to know my ancestral roots.  I want to know my cousins and you know, all this sort of thing.  Whereas her as much as she loves all her family, it’s not as important to her. So

Mark [29:17] Can I check in there?  Is that a sense of connection to belonging?

You Don’t Really Know Where You Belong

Anne [29:22] Yes.  Because, as I said before, you don’t really know where you belong.  You know that you know that – I know, my adoptive family loved me.  I know, they did the absolute best that they could for me.  And I broke their hearts quite a few times, you know. But yeah, I think – I don’t know.  I just think about being important.  You know, being honest and so forth is really important.

Mark [29:52] It’s lovely to have a conversation around this.  It’s just watching you and listening to where you’ve gone in the conversation, it’s just been really incredible to just listen and have the wisdom that you’ve shared.

Anne [30:11] Still getting it (laughter).

Mark [30:15] The older – I think the older we get, maybe the more we get?

Anne [30:19] Hope so.

Validate your Feelings As They Come

Mark [30:23] In the connection is there any further advice you’d like to give younger people walking through their journey of life, around the connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is.’

Anne [30:44] Validate your feelings as they come. Because I think further down the track if you don’t you’ll become sick and it either be mentally, physically or both.  So always try and validate your feelings, be honest with whoever you’re with and tell people how you feel.  Just tell people how you feel and don’t be afraid.  And if they laugh at you for it, so it.  Just move on.  I think and just be honest with yourself as well.  Honesty with people – honest with yourself.  And women, I say to my girls if you’re looking for a fella don’t look for someone with a great personality, look at the character there’s a difference.  I don’t think I ever realized that for quite a few years.  I thought we were one with the same until I really thought about it.  Its characteristics are really important.

Anne [31:47] That’s for fellas too, you know.

Anne [31:54] And respect, without respect, there’s no love so.  Understand people why they are the way they are.  It’s really difficult sometimes, but everyone’s got a story to tell. So don’t judge them.

Mark [32:10] Annie, thank you for the connection of your story.  What a powerful story.  I deeply appreciate the opportunity to listen to your story.

Anne [32:30] Thank you. Thank you. It’s been good and I’ve wanted to do something like this for a while.  So I know it’s good opportunity as nervous as I’ve been.

Mark [32:41] To be honest, you’ve done really well with your nerves.  I really appreciated the honesty and the message that – the message of connection that you have shared with listeners.  I really appreciate that and thank you very much for the opportunity. Namaste.


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