Connecting to my ‘Aha Moments’
Mark [0:00] I’d like to welcome Pat Griffiths to the World Heart of Connection Podcast. I’m your host Mark Randall. Pat is a lovely executive coach with TG Coaching & Consulting focusing on changing our thinking her motto or tagline is, think, explore it and shifted to take you to a different level. It’s a wonderful opportunity to have Pat here to have a conversation about her connection to herself, others and ‘All That Is’ welcome to the podcast. Pat.
Pat [0:30] Thank you, Mark.
Mark [0:33] Have I missed anything there, Pat?
Pat [0:36] I don’t think so. I think we need to keep it simple to start with, otherwise, we scare people off.
Connecting to myself
Mark [0:46] Deep diving into connection. How does Pat connect to herself?
Pat [0:57] Wow, that’s something that I have to really think about.
Pat [1:02] I think, having done this work for many years, the technique that I’ve always taken is that if I am going to ask my clients to do something, I won’t take them onto a journey or an exercise that I haven’t tested or trial myself. So, I think over the years, I’ve developed a strong sense of self-awareness. I have the capability of stepping out, I guess, of myself and being an external observer. So, if I’m experiencing something that doesn’t fit well with me, or comfortably, then I can step back and say, “well, this is interesting what’s happening here”. And then just really tap into what’s driving and what is occurring for me.
Mark [2:00] When you do that, do you notice what you’re connecting to? When you find it ~ when you’re exploring it?
Connected to a Loving State
Pat [2:07] Yes, I can identify where I have shifted out of a state of ~ I guess the term that some people are a bit uncomfortable hearing, is that I’ve moved out of a state of loving, of either myself or others. So. I’ve gone into a state of strong judging and judgement, usually of myself, and then because I’m human of others as well.
Mark [2:44] Isn’t it nice when we do that? (Laughter)
Pat [2:47] We’re human. (Laughter)
Mark [2:51] We are human. I wonder what ~ when we’re judging others, what are we connecting with within ourselves that we may like or dislike?
Connecting to Our Judgements
Pat [3:04] It is often the case that when we judging others, we see an element ourselves in that. I think that’s why I love the work that I do because every client that I see and connect with, there is always a lesson in it for myself. There is, in most coaching sessions, there will be a bit of an “Aha moment” for myself because what I am teaching my client is sometimes often a reminder for myself. There’s a lesson in here that I have to revisit and take away from myself again.
Mark [3:49] I’m not sure which philosopher said it ~ but “Physician Heal Thyself”.
Pat [3:53] Absolutely.
Mark [3:56] When you connect to those ‘Aha Moments’, what do you notice happens physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, within yourself?
Connecting to my Heart of ‘Aha Moments’
Pat [4:07] So, with the ‘Aha’ ~ interestingly enough, I think I usually feel it in my heart. That’s where it usually comes from.
Pat [4:20] Sometimes, if I’m getting an insight around other people, it will ~ I get it in my head for some reason. But the ‘Aha moments’ for myself are usually within my heart. And then when I’ve got it, there is a sense of feeling a lot lighter. It really is a physical lightening that I feel so and then there is a clearing in the head and there is an emotional release. It’s like the burden being lifted off the shoulders I guess, because it’s been something that I have been carrying, so to speak. That ‘Aha moment’ that insight is enlightenment and it is ~ it’s usually in the heart that I feel it.
Mark [5:13] Does it feel like the burdens been met at some deeper level within yourself ~ met and connected to?
Connecting to the Gifts of Burden
Pat [5:25] I guess. Yeah, it is. I’ve been doing this for so long. There is never a day that goes past that I haven’t learned something new. Whether it’s new to bring into my coaching or a new insight about myself or somebody else. So, I think the burden if that’s what we call it because we all carry our burdens. Usually, in a suitcase, I mean handbags, depending on how big those burdens are. But I think the more insight that we get into our thinking and what it’s causing us to do, and then ultimately who we are being as a result of that will ~ shift the burden particularly, I think I’ve done so much work around who I want to be that when things don’t sit, right, it’s usually my gut. Then I know that I’m truly out of alignment with my own personal value set. So, when I get that ‘Aha moment’, is like, whoo, then it shifts my thinking. It’s my heart that I feel it and then it’s almost like, my gut is relieved. So, it’s almost like I’m in complete alignment with all of those
Mark [7:00] The burden, what’s stopping us from connecting to our ~ to the burden?
Healing the Belief System of our Burdens
Pat [7:09] With some of those burdens, I think they’ve been there if ~ we talked about it as a belief. I think our burdens are our belief systems that have been there for such a long time. And our belief system is there. It’s designed to protect us from something that was perceived to be a threat, usually at an early age. It can happen early age, it can happen early teenage and then it can also happen in early adulthood. And so, our burdens or our belief systems are there to protect us. But when we identify that, a belief system or a burden that we’re being carrying, from an age of a four-year-old and if I’m 40 something, 30 something, 50 something and then I all of a sudden realise it – whoo, I’m doing this as a result of a belief system something that the four-year-old or the five-year-old within me, chose to see that would protect me. And then I realised, well, I’m no longer four. So, then to shift my thinking out of four-year-old belief systems will no longer serve me as a 40, 50 or 60 years old.
Connection with our Inner Child
Mark [8:33] Does the four-year-old within you need to be connected to physically mentally, emotionally, spiritually?
Pat [8:39] I think you do. I think you need to understand where that comes from. And even though I’m no longer four, or five or 20 (laughter) I think we need to connect with that part of ourselves. Otherwise, we lose sight of who we are and what created us.
Mark [9:07] Because we always like to connect to the feel-good within ourself. Then there’s the other side of ourself the not feeling so good or the pain and suffering that we tend to want to have aversions to. I wonder how much of that side of ourself is needing healing and deep connection to?
Healing & Letting Go
Pat [9:35] I think if we reflect on who we were at that age, as a four-year-old, five-year-old, I can well maybe not four and five, I know at six and seven, some of the things that I did and who I was. My mother always told me off for being so damn quick. I always the one that raced into the chicken coop to get the eggs and would rush out and say, “look what I found, look what I found,” and then trip and smash the eggs. So, my Mum was always like, slow down, slow down ~ I still haven’t. I think we’ve got to connect to the four-year-old, the five-year-old, the 12-year-old. Whatever occurred for us at those ages made us who we are today. And if there are some painful situations that occurred at that time, I think we need to acknowledge that. But acknowledge that we can now handle that differently than what we did then. So, I think we got some time to hug and love the younger versions of us because that’s who we learn to be who we are today. And in some situations when we may need to farewell, that part of ourselves because it no longer serves us. But we still have to love and connect to that, because that’s part of who we are.
Letting go facilitates my ‘Aha Moments’
Mark [11:12] When you’ve connected to it, does that then help facilitate those ‘Aha moments’ were talking about before sharing before?
Pat [11:20] Absolutely. You got to know ~ okay, well, I say that you have to know where it comes from not everybody can. Some people are lucky enough that they can connect to a situation or a circumstance that helped them develop, create a certain belief system. Not everybody can. Not everybody wants to. If you can connect to it, love it, farewell for what it was ~ awesome. But if you can’t, understanding that the belief system is there, and acknowledging that it no longer serves you, and changing that. That’s what’s important but the connection is still there. It’s still needed.
Mark [12:10] As you’ve got those moments ~ as you’re sharing those moments, what’s it like for the connection to other people when you’re in that ‘Aha moment’?
Connected Flow-state to Others in ‘Aha Moments’
Pat [12:25] I’m often can be reminded that my eyes, my face, are the window to my soul. And so when I have an ‘Aha moment’, I don’t hide it.
Pat [12:39] Most people will see it. They will see a change in my face. They will ~ I usually stop for a moment. In the middle of a coaching session, when I get an ‘Aha moment,’ I will tell the client okay, got it. If you’re looking at me, you can see me close my eyes, I got it. I will share with a client, okay, I just got learning there for myself. While I’m telling you this, so my clients will actually physically see a shift in the way I look and potentially my face, and maybe my tone for a moment. The session is about them not about me, so I have to really switch out of that, but acknowledge it for later.
Mark [13:30] Our connections to other people ~ it’s a real process, isn’t it? Because in connection to other people, I’m wondering, that’s when we also connect to our judgments of others. Our connection to other people can also serve as triggers ~ relational triggers to our own connections to our self. How do you notice that those processes and do you observe them? Do you become aware of them? Thank them for being teachers ~ not overtly but do you know what I mean?
Noticing my Disconnection to Others
Pat [14:16] If I’m around somebody who I can then start to feel, I’m not sure if the word antagonistic ~ if I’m around somebody who is really judgmental, negative, this sort of stuff, I can feel it in my gut usually.
Pat [14:41] I can feel that something’s not right. I also feel it in my heart that there is a disconnect from this person. Then as soon as I feel that, I’m like, okay, this is really interesting, what’s going on for you here. I can see behaviours and that I’m judging them for their behaviours, and I have to shift out of ~ I have to rationally shift my thinking around their behaviours and their judgments and just literally tell myself, that is just who they are. What I’ve got to make sure of is that I’m not taking their judgments on personally. But then also I do have to reflect and say, okay, is this a side of me that I’m seeing that I don’t particularly like. Sometimes it is a reflection later to acknowledge that I can actually be like that a little bit, sometimes. But then I’ve got to really make sure that my responses to them are not reactionary, that they are taken ~ that I removed the judgement of them before I actually respond to them. I don’t always succeed, again, there’s that human element. But I can feel it, I can sense it and then I can rationalise it and shift the way I respond to their behaviours.
Connecting to Our Responding rather than Reacting
Mark [16:10] It’s really interesting ~ I want to pick up on a couple of the reactive versus responding. I wondered, as we evolve as humans, the human race evolves more, and we all start learning to respond instead of reacting to each other. How might that improve our connections to each other, to our communities, etc?
Pat [16:43] I think we could have a truly different world if we all took the time to respond versus react. Our reaction, we’re all human, so there’s always going to be somebody who we’re confronted with whose behaviour or attitudes don’t connect with us. But if we can learn to step out of automatic mode, so we’re not automatically reacting to those behaviours, and stop and take 10 seconds, even if it takes that long ~ to choose to do something different. And then respond in a constructive way versus reacting to what we’ve got. Which is ~ we saw it, I think on T.V when COVID first started, and we saw the film of people in the aisles in the supermarket, wrestling for the toilet paper. That was just all about fear and concerns. But not one of those parties stopped to take a step back and chose to respond to the situation. All they did was react and it was all fear-based. So, if we could all take the time to just stop and take that step back and reflect for a moment, and the reflection isn’t a long process, it’s really quite snappy and quite quick when we’re aware of it. That would totally shift the way that we operate with everybody in the community.
Connecting to the source of our Reactions
Mark [18:23] Yeah, take that time to stop and reflect inwards to our own insight and awareness of what’s actually being triggered here within me?
Pat [18:35] Yep. It’s what’s running for us at the time that’s causing this.
Mark [18:44] Yeah, and connecting to that what’s running?
Pat [18:46] Correct.
Mark [18:49] And hold that space and check in with it, to see what it’s needing?
Connecting to our Personal Values System
Pat [18:54] Absolutely. Yeah. And I think what a lot of us aren’t aware of ~ is what our personal values are. We look at organisations who have their own values and how they deem that they will operate because they’ve got these values in place. We often see them operating out of alignment with that value set. Better, but how many people can articulate their own personal value set. So, if we take that example, in the COVID toilet paper scenario in the supermarket, where those people operating within their own personal value set, I would suggest they weren’t.
Mark [19:39] Maybe they’re operating from the reptilian brain aspect of their person ~ which is you can get triggered by fear. As you’re sharing about the value system, I looking at the model ~ the head heart model on my whiteboard. My belief, this is just a belief ~ that a lot of values and ethics and beliefs come from that sensitive, fragile part of our heart ~ it’s the vulnerable part of ourself. A lot of our value systems, I would hope that’s manifested broadly come from that space. And we have expectations ~ then we develop expectations that others should also maintain and uphold those value systems.
Pat [20:30] But not everybody has the same value set that we do. So, it’s when we see somebody operating in a way that conflicts our own personal value set, then that can trigger some issues for us sometimes.
Using in Coaching the SCARF Model
Mark [20:48] Yes, I can connect to some of my reactions internally. It’s interesting noticing those reactions and then being able to observe them. I might want to say something in reaction but yeah, just have that sacred pause and breathe and connect deeper within to let it go?
Pat [21:17] There’s a model that I use in both my coaching and also my team stuff, it’s by David Rock. It’s the scarf model. The scarf model is around what drives or triggers our fears within us. The scarf model stands for status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness and fairness. And so, we can ~ I can use that and align that with individuals thinking style. So, if people are more constructive in their thinking. So for me, for example, I see in my triggers are usually around relatedness and fairness, because that’s really important to me. Somebody who if we use the delightful Donald Trump, for example. His triggers we can see are a lot of times around status and autonomy. So, he’s got a completely different value, personal value set and what I would. So, when we understand some of those things, then we can then determine what’s running for us or what’s triggering it sometimes ~ in align with that model. It’s very simple, but it’s very useful to understand ourselves a little bit, and I’ll use that a lot for myself. If something is triggered within me and I feel it, then I’ll just go through which one of those has been triggered for me. And then I can go back and clean that up if I need to.
Mark [22:49] As you were sharing that model and you referring to that ~ the Donald Trump trigger ~ I don’t know whether energetically or intuitively, I was picking up. As you’re sharing the scarf model you were connecting to ~ was there a connection to the ‘All That Is” ~ it’s like through that model, you can notice the reactions and the triggers, but go to a deeper place within yourself?
My Connecting to the ‘All That Is’
Pat [23:20] I think it sits under the relatedness component. So, the relatedness is that linking in connection to family, colleagues, friends, community, and I think the connectedness to ‘All That Is’ fits in that space.
Mark [23:39] When you connect into that space, can that also be akin to the ‘Aha moments’ of life you shared about before?
Pat [23:52] Yep. I think that is firmly in that space.
Mark [23:59] This has been coming up a lot in this part of the conversation ~ the ‘All That Is’ ~ when you connect in that space, can you describe what happens to your mental health and your emotional health when you are in that space?
‘All That Is’ a Space of Lightness & Peace
Pat [24:18] I think I mentioned earlier that sense of ~ I’m going to use the word enlightenment but lighter. I feel that physically, mentally, emotionally, it is just a complete sense of feeling comfortable, at peace that everything will be alright.
Mark [24:46] Is there a flow-state that you’re in?
Pat [24:52] Absolutely.
Mark [24:57] And as I shared that with you ~ I wanted to go into yeah, the flow-state, it’s the analytical mind, the intellectual mind or whatever it is ~ they’re all sort of, are they there, but they’re not there?
Alignment of our 3 brains Head, Heart & Gut
Pat [25:13] I think there’s an alignment. That’s what I would say. So, you and I’ve spoken earlier about my thinking around the different brains, the head, heart, gut-brain. You talk a lot about the connection between head and heart and I bring in the extra with the gut. My thinking -it also brings in the energy that we have and that we’re connected to. I think that whole feeling is ~ if I’m afraid my gut is not at peace or not comfortable. So, connection to ‘All That Is’ ~ is I think there is that alignment between rational thinking, my heart and my gut, there is no fear. There is a strong sense of love and the rational brain just says, dude, you just got it all connected and it’s all right. So, yeah, I think there is just alignment between everything and it’s just that whole sense of everything is right with the world. And at this exact point in time, I’m at peace and it’s light, it’s warm.
In Alignment My Heart Sings
Mark [26:31] What do you experience your body? How does your body respond to that? What do you notice in your body as you embody in it?
Pat [26:39] This sounds really, really out there. Your heart sings. Your heart sings.
Mark [26:49] Pat, you’re not the first guest to say that.
Pat [26:53] We were talking earlier and I love walking around the river here in Geelong. We do it most mornings. It can be sunny. It can be overcast, it can be windy, it can be still. As soon as you stop and take in and enjoy what is in front of you. You know that everything in your world is all right. And that whole sense of peace, light, gratitude. It’s all there. It’s just all-encompassing and it just makes your whole heart sing and nothing in the world is challenging at that point in time.
Mark [27:40] Beautiful space?
Connecting to the Beauty of Nature
Pat [27:42] It’s why we walk around the river every morning.
Mark [27:47] As you’re sharing it with me, are you in it now?
Pat [27:49] Yeah, I can feel it. Yeah. Yeah. You can feel it. Absolutely and you can take yourself there. At will, if you choose to.
Mark [28:02] Yeah, it’s about to follow that up with ~ when you said, you can take yourself there. Do you have a cellular memory of that space?
Connection at Our Cellular Level
Pat [28:13] Yeah. There’s a ~ I think you’ll do. Well, cellular memory now you’re going to another level.
Mark [28:23] Sorry. But yeah, do you know what I mean? It’s like ~ yeah, because I was just seeing it in your eyes. I just connected with you and sometimes I’d really love to be able to videotape. For people to see, your experience at that moment. It might be a bit difficult on audio to capture the essence of the joy and the tranquillity and the equanimity that was just in ~ you’re sharing the story about the walk along the river, it’s like you were there?
Pat [29:04] Absolutely.
Mark [29:07] And it’s how do we facilitate anchoring back into the embodiment of that cellular memory and we can all do it?
Aligning Our Subconscious Beliefs
Pat [29:20] We can all do it. So, it’s, there’s a process that I use in part of my coaching. We have a look at your beliefs at a subconscious level. Our beliefs that have been there for long enough are at a subconscious level. And so, when we want to change our beliefs or set goals, we have to let our subconscious know what that is. And part of the process is to look at what will we see visually, so it’s a visual auditory, a kinesthetic process that our subconscious works in. So, when we’re setting new goals that we have to align with our subconscious or help our subconscious to generate for us. Part of it is what will you visually see? What will you hear? But then kinesthetically? It’s like, how will it feel? And you’ve got to tap into a point in time in the past, where you have had this great sense of achievement? And then you go through a process of where in your body do you feel it? What does it feel like? What is the emotion that’s attached to it? If the feeling had a colour, what colour would it be? If the feeling had a shape? What would the shape be? If the feeling had a temperature? What would it be? And if it hadn’t texture, what would it be? Because our subconscious needs visual-auditory, but it needs the kinesthetic. So you have to know what that feeling is. So, you’ve got to create that. So, for me a lot of the time it is the experience of around the river and all of my experience of total connection has to do with water, whether it’s the sea or like the water, the river. So, that becomes my enlightenment point or the point that I use to generate that awesome sense of at peace and joy and freedom a lot of the times.
Mark [31:27] Yeah, I was going to call it ~ anchoring? That’s a very NLP type, but it’s anchoring back there.
Pat [31:37] I think Tony Robbins uses Neuro-Linguistic Programme NLP ~ He uses NEC. Oh, does he? Yeah. Which is a neuro, something conditioning? Yeah. He uses different terminology. Neuro Associative Conditioning.
Mark [31:57] It’s interesting, isn’t it ~ those memories there. The joy, the equanimity, the essence of it was just so powerful when we connect to it, but then for some reason, we disconnect.
Pat [32:17] Yeah.
Mark [32:19] As the Buddhists say, everything’s of impermanence. But yeah, it’s how do we ~ instead of disconnecting, how can we keep coming back to that point?
Connecting to Our Visual Cues
Pat [32:33] So I think part of the work that I do with my clients is I get them to look at, for example, if they’ve got an interview that they’re going to or an important meeting, I get them to think about what are the outcomes they want? In order to achieve those outcomes, who do they need to be? So, part of that is connecting to that ~ so that before what outcomes do they want to achieve from that meeting. So, in order to do that, who do you need to be? And so part of that is that connecting to self, and maintaining that throughout either an interview or a meeting. But we can do that from the minute we wake up every day, what do you want to achieve from today? Who do you want to be today? And you maintain that connection. So, it’s almost like a bit of goal setting every morning. But who do I want to be? Who do I need to be today? And then you be it. I think what is it? Part of the behaved? So, continually focusing on that, and that’s a reminder, we have to think about that. And I think a lot of people are doing that in isolation at the moment. They’re rethinking what the priorities are and reconnecting to family and also self ~ I think we’ll see a lot more of it.
Mark [34:03] In drawing it to a close Pat, is there anything further that you’d like to share as part of the connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is’?
Enjoy our Self Learnings
Pat [34:14] I think one of the biggest things that I’ve learned through all of this work is to ~ when you connect with self, learn from it, be comfortable with it, enjoy it, and promise yourself to be there more often. But when you disconnect, don’t get cross with yourself, just reconnect as a result. It’s a road and it’s a commitment that we need to take and commit to. And we don’t always get it right because we live in this human world. But the more that we can connect and remind ourselves of that, whatever you can put in place, to be a visual to ~ remind yourself, the more intuitive it will become.
Mark [35:04] Well done. Thank you for the connection today and thank you for sharing your lovely story.
Pat [35:09] Thank you for the opportunity.
Mark [35:11] Namaste.
Pat [35:12] Namaste.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai