Connecting to my Transformation ~ Episode 77 – My conversation with Roy Emmett

Connecting to my Transformation

Mark [0:00] I’d like to welcome Roy Emmett to the World Heart of Connection podcast. I’m your host, Mark Randall and it’s lovely to have Roy sitting here with me today with social distancing due to the COVID-19. I met Roy through another guest Theo Demetriou who was a guest on the podcast a couple of months back. Welcome, Roy. Roy has a Geelong business called Business Management Geelong.

Roy [0:25] Thanks, Mark.  A pleasure to be here to explore the conversation.

Mark [0:29] The conversation is around the connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is’ and we generally start with connection to self. How does Roy connect to himself?  What is his process?  How does he do it?

 

Connecting to my Inner Energy

Roy [0:43] Yeah, the important part is understanding your energy.  As a younger person, I denied myself that and it led me nowhere.  I had many disengaged, delusional situations that I didn’t understand why it was happening.  So, it’s taken a lot of years but for me, it’s now understanding where my energy is and how good that energy is to me when I’m around people.  Because unfortunately, the world at large, you must have a level of protectionism and awareness.  To identify what potentially may be a situation or relationship that you don’t want to get yourself into.

Mark [1:30] What’s it been like for you to connect to that energy within yourself?

Roy [1:35] Coming from where I was, it’s very powerful because you have a sense of inner peace.  The important part for me, over the last 15 or 20 years been and when I’ve been working on this, it’s not my fault. I’ve been able to, yes – I’ve made some poor decisions.  It’s Not my fault to a degree where I’ve – I guess some behaviour came at me because I enabled it, but I wasn’t responsible for that person’s behaviour, but I was responsible for mine.  So that’s been the journey is understanding that needs to be responsible for my actions and my speech and how I put myself out there. And that’s what the journey has been for the last 15 or so years.

Connecting to my Heart

Mark [2:28] As a male, connected to that energy, if I’m checking in, where would you find that energy in your body? Would you find it in your head, or would you find it in your heart?

Roy [2:39] Oh, absolutely. In your heart.  My biggest problem Mark for too long, I overthought everything, just freewheeled on it.  I was quintessential – perhaps in your – for one of a better way saying you’re primetime between 25 – 35 years old when you’re looking perhaps to form relationships, settle down and start a family and so forth.  I was the quintessential definition of insanity. Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Well, guess what? I didn’t get a different result (Laughter).

Mark [3:21] As a male in those prime years, would you come more from your intellect rather than your heart?

Old Denial of my Spirituality

Roy [3:27] Absolutely there was a total denial of my spiritual or my energy.  I was very fortunate, which I never – I’ve only realised now was an absolute gift.  Which was growing up with my Mum and my twin sister were my best friends. So, I got that intuitive, empathetic, sort of training per se.  Women seem to manage so much better than men.  I stood out as the exception and I did everything to try and fit in and I was denying my natural self, unfortunately.

Mark [4:12] What was it like to finally start to connect to your natural self?

Roy [4:18] Look, I know it’s a little bit of a cliché for some people. It was an awakening; you just didn’t realise what you had.  I didn’t realise what I had denied myself – all my life till the last 12 months.  Because the, unfortunately, growing up as I just mentioned, I didn’t have a male role model.  My father, beautiful man, but was very quiet.  We didn’t get a lot of role modelling from him.  The role modelling, I got from my older brothers was to be bullied from the age of about four to 14.  So, I had all these things conflict and internal trauma that I didn’t realise I was carrying.  So it was really important to unwind all of that. I’ve had some terrific health professionals in that area.  I feel like I’ve made some significant steps under appropriate guidance to – so I feel safe in that space to explore it.

Toxic Masculinity has disconnected Men

Mark [5:24] It’s interesting, I wonder with, with men that throughout our lives, deep down, men are quite sensitive.  Our social conditioning, the term toxic masculinity is being mooted a lot of late.  Whether that creates masks for men to disown their sensitivity?

Roy [5:47] 100%, particularly the men – up until 15 years ago, I had in my life.  I had one friend who would always enjoy catching up for a beer.   He would just consistently remind me of all the times I made an idiot of myself under the influence of alcohol.  So, it was just a constant put down because he’s masculinity had to make me feel inferior.

Mark [6:15] What does that do to men’s connections to each other, that masculinity?

Toxic Masculinity destroys Respect

Roy [6:22] Well, there’s a total lack of respect, there’s a total – we all have different levels of capability and intuition that we can use.  But if the masculinity is too far to the alpha male realm, then there’s a just an element in a group of five or six people that the softest or the most in-tune person will always be at the bottom of the heap.  That’s where I was for a lot of years because I was the laughingstock, the joke boy and these guys said, “no mate we’re just joking, you are a friend”.  I enabled it.  So, it’s part of that process Mark of identifying behaviour that’s no longer acceptable.  And inadvertently with that group, I disconnected just by default because I refused to catch up with them.  I think it was towards the end of 2005.  And then six months later, I’ve gone, gee I haven’t had a phone call from them.  I’ve gone great. I now know why they’re not calling me because the last time I refused to catch up with them. So, there was an outcome I’d developed without even knowing.

Mark [7:34] Is that sort of masculinity – is that preventing men connecting at a deeper level with each other?

Roy [7:41] Yes, yes, no question.  Because it’s all about testosterone, chest-beating – me Tarzan, you Jane.

Connecting to my Intuition

Mark [7:50] And as you’ve started your inner journey work, what’s it been like to now connect more to that intuitive level of yourself?

Roy [8:01] Look, it’s changed quite dramatically because in the last few months I’ve been able to form helpful and useful relationships particularly via Facebook.

Developing New Connections

Roy [8:13] In particular, The Shine company which Cassie runs.  Elisa just set up Geelong & Bellarine Surfcoast business network.  That has worked well for me because I’ve been able to be myself. Also, another lady called Jessie Holton, who runs a happiness website.  So, I’ve been able to explore my energy, my inner strength per se, in a reasonably safe environment and I’ve been incredibly well accepted.  So, the awakening and the awareness, you just feel more productive. You’re being yourself, you’re being open, and you’re not under threat from some sort of situation.  Where there is a male alpha thing in the background and you’re not looking over your shoulder.  You can put your opinions out there.  You can do what you think you’re doing.  You can create an atmosphere of positivity and energised message because you feel good about yourself.

The process to Connect to my Intuitive Self

Mark [9:20] What steps do you take to reconnect to the intuitive side of yourself when you find yourself not connected? How do you reconnect back to it?

Roy [9:30] It’s an important process and it’s again, something I’ve only really developed in the last sort of 12 months. And that’s solitude, I need to find space away from the hustle and bustle.  I just get into an area where I can sort of just breathe.  My psychologist that I’ve been working with she has got me a regime of breathing exercises and I’ll use those quite regularly.  But more importantly, it’s about just finding the space and disconnecting from that disruption – that’s upsetting me.

Mark [10:08] In the disconnection, you then connecting more with Roy?

Disconnect to Reconnect

Roy [10:11] Correct, yeah, that’s what it is. I – not sure whether it’s the right word to use, but it is a little bit of an intoxicating drug.  Because once you, once you feel that inner peace, you’ll want to be back there.  It’s just so much part of who you are.  I think, and I try not to let myself go gee, why didn’t this happen a long time ago.  Because I – that’s part of our journey and why we get to places where we are and what we do.  But I’m just thankful I’m in the place now.

Mark [10:47] What do you notice happens in your body when you reconnect, and you hit that space in your body?

Connecting to my Calmness

Roy [10:54] You are just calm.  There’s really calm and particularly If I’m able to be in some sunshine. Or being with birds singing – in the shade there are trees.  It’s really, sort of – as you say, Mark, with an oneness that you try and get back to.  We’re species on the planet like everything else.  Just because we could make decisions and think for ourselves it doesn’t set us apart from the universe.  So, it’s kind of a connection back to a universal oneness that I like to explore.

Mark [11:37] Can you explain what happens to your mind when you connect to that universal oneness?

Connecting to my Universal Oneness

Roy [11:41] It just – everything – the material realm disappears.  It’s a kind of like, you are looking inwards on yourself.  That calm just – that realm within your heart and you and your stomach feel at peace.  Your mind just basically becomes empty.  Which is great because that’s what you need to be to reconnect because it’s a reset process.  You’ve had a disruption or an external shock that may potentially be quite harmful or traumatic to you. You’ve really got to try and take the energy away from that as quickly as you can.

Mark [12:32] The word that was sitting in my mind when you talked about that, it’s like the monkey mind starts racing, when we get those external shocks.  I wonder for men whether, because of our social conditioning, we’ve moved away from the heart and gone more up into the mind and we found it hard to turn that brain off – that monkey mind-brain?

That calm just - that realm within your heart and you and your stomach feel at peace. Click To Tweet

Men denying their Vulnerability

Roy [12:55] I think it’s kind of around a bit of old stereotypes around.  Men must be tough; men must make decisions.  If we crumble and are weak inside, we’re seen as inferior.  And most men don’t want to be seen – as inferior. What men need to realise it’s not a competition, it’s up to you. Your individuality is unique to you. If you want to put it on a platform, or on a podium and try and compare yourself with the rest of the male race, good luck.

Mark [13:36] What was it like when you discovered that you don’t need to do that anymore?

Letting go of People

Roy [13:45] It was just – as I started to disconnect from these people that were in my life at that point, it was just so freeing because I just didn’t have to act.  I didn’t have to be something that I didn’t want to be.  In my 20’s yeah sure, I like to go out to rage and go to parties and go to pubs and, and so forth.   At 45 years old, not so much.   That was the age I was at with these guys and spending time getting drunk talking nonsense. I just got to a point; really is this the best we can do.  So, through my parents passing away was my external shock. I suddenly realised, oh crap, we actually do die.  We do have a position where our life is a finite resource. And it’s up to us, how we use it.

Mark [14:38] As you’ve developed and gained the awakening and the insight, how do you now use that in terms of your connection to others?

Adopting my Filtering System

Roy [14:47] It’s a filter system.  A filter system, because if I’m honest about my journey Mark, one of the more disappointing elements has been the fact that not a lot of people are in this process.   I know several men who in their 60’s and 70’s are still thinking like they’re 20 years old.  I find that dreadfully sad.  So, I use it as a filter system to target or as a beacon, whatever word you want to describe.  I’m finding now, predominantly through these groups, I’m identifying a lot more with women than I am with men because I’ve got that intuitive, empathetic process going.  That just does seem to enable a relationship at any level, to be able to be comfortable and a good friendship without any sexual expectation or anything like that about male behaviour. They’re just good people to have in your life.

Mark [15:50] What happens to your heart when you have those people in your life?

Connecting with Mutual Respect

Roy [15:53] Oh, very calm.  It’s a good conversation because you feel like there are mutual respect and a mutual understanding of what our purpose is in life to a degree.  We’re all here to do something that makes us feel good about what we’re doing.   If we can be positive and affect change for other people, because there always will be a need for leaders, and there will be followers.  So, a few people have identified myself as a leader, but I’m still working on that.  Because I’m just doing what I’ve needed to do.   I haven’t really in terms of – internalising that to say, okay, Roy, you’ve been in a position where your no longer things are no longer valid.  I’m redefining the roadmap because I need to do that for me.   People who are observing what I’m doing, are saying, Roy, wow – you are a leader and I’m still having trouble reconciling the two.

Mark [16:51] What happens to the male brain when you must redefine your roadmap?  Does the old ego go, ‘oh, hang on a minute’?

Men Need to Redesign to Old Road Map

Roy [17:00] Initially, there was a lot of internal conflicts, because it was really throwing out the old roadmap.  I’d been entrenched in that behaviour, from say, the age of 18 to 45, or 47 even. I didn’t know any different.  I had a life coach at the time, and she said to me, Roy, you do realise that you’re going to throw at virtually every friendship, you know.  I’ve gone, “yeah, really”.  And during those sessions, and those that work, she was spot on because she could start to see the change in where I wanted to be because I was so tired of being where I was.

Mark [17:41] As you connect more with others when you’re in that true you, what do you notice happens to those connections?

Connecting with the True you Strengthens Connections

Roy [17:50] Look that they’re stronger. They’re much – it’s an interesting question Mark.  I’ve probably gone more into, just letting it happen.  I haven’t over thought it to a degree.  There an easy conversation.  Talking and connecting with people via Facebook that you haven’t met, but you feel like your friends with them.   It’s a really pleasing element to have that positivity that you’re trying to put out there that people are recognising. So, it’s a real charm, inner peace that just gives you validation that you’re on the right track.

Mark [18:37] Is it a connection at a deeper level beyond your intellect that you’re just describing?

Roy [18:42] No question.  As I said a bit earlier, Mark, as soon as I bring in the thinking element, it all goes to – it all goes pear-shaped.  What I’ve learned also if I’m getting agitated or there’s something that has happened that I’m not comfortable or happy with.  I used to be a bit of a keyboard warrior I would punch out a filthy email and get angry.  But working with Pat last year, she says get up from your computer, walk away for 10 minutes, even leave your draft overnight and if it’s still relevant the next day, then send it.  So, I’ve got a good handbrake system going on now.

Old Thinking Mind loaded with self-doubt

Mark [19:29] Just curious, when you mentioned bringing back the thinking mind – when you bring the thinking mind, with that thinking mind, is there self-doubt, judgement, a negative thinking mind – kicking in?

Roy [19:47] Absolutely. It’s kind of reminder of the old habits.  As your field you’re in, you’re aware of trigger events. It’s surprising even a lot of the stuff I learnt happened to me, as I said, as a young child up to about 12. I can’t believe the power it still has at different times.  So yes, and that sorry to answer your question, and that is generally far more pertinent when I get into the thinking realm rather than being in my intuition realm.

Mark [20:22] How do you notice when you’re in that thinking realm, rather than your feeling realm?

Connecting to my Body senses

Roy [20:26] Oh look, I’m very fortunate Mark, I just sensed the change in my body.  I carry stress badly in my shoulders.  And generally, if I’ve gone into the thinking realm, it’s because I’m in a stressful situation.  And it happened just last week.  There was something that happened over Facebook, which was unfortunate.  I don’t like for reasons now; it’s still being resolved.  So, I’m not going to go into it in any detail, but my body just went total stress mode.

Mark [20:57] So, are you listening more to the body and as you notice your body? Yep.

Roy [21:02] Yeah, it that is my barometer now.   That’s what – when I started working with Pat last year, my goal was – that I felt I had 95% of the jigsaw puzzle sorted.   But that last 5% was elusive.  I was proud of myself that I’d got to an awareness of what was missing.  But what I wasn’t prepared for was – why it was missing.   That’s where Pat’s analysis and programmes, Humans Synergy or something, I’m not sure.  Where it breaks down your behaviour and anyway, you’ve probably been across those at different times Mark.  It was an important eye-opener, to start to redefine how I make decisions and how I exit relationships.  Whether that’s business, personal or otherwise.  I’ve got a whole new different regime around confrontation.  I still get uncomfortable where I must be forceful, but I’m getting a lot better at it because I can now understand why it’s been such a problem for me in the past,

Connecting to my Empowered Conversations

Mark [22:13] Is the forceful, more of an empowered approach to conversations rather than a reactive process?

Roy [22:23] Good question.  It’s a bit of both.  I’m trying to be forceful and lessen the reactive part of the process. Years and years ago, probably back in the 90s, a state sales manager gave me a good piece of advice. I was in his office; I was having a rant. I was a state warehouse manager at the time in distribution.   He just let me fester on and he just had – Roy. You need to learn one thing in life. You cannot make decisions when you’re emotional, and its advice that has stuck with me. It’s been so pertinent in terms of a benchmark and a reference point.  I can look at all my poor decisions and there’s that one common factor, emotion or anger in that – that has led me to make poor decisions.

Mark [23:17] So, as you’re connecting deeper within yourself now, are you able to notice that connection and have a balance between thoughts and feelings?

Being Mindful of the Untamed Brumby

Roy [23:32] It’s still a little bit of an untamed brumby.

Roy [23:36] I feel like I’m breaking that process in. But there are times, unfortunately, like last week where things happen that you simply don’t expect would happen. That Brumby spirit just rears its head and wants to take off.  So, it’s really about the horse whisperer, putting the lasso on it and pulling it back into a level of calm and control.   I think it’s probably the first time I’ve verbalised it like that, but that’s pretty much a good analogy of how it works.  You have this heightened reflex action that you know – and suddenly the other thing I often say – sometimes when the genies out of the bottle, it’s extremely hard to pull it back in.  So, in terms of verbalising, in that picture around a Brumby and horse breaker is a good analogy.  Because sometimes the emotion wants to run off and create havoc, but something must happen to pull it back in so that you don’t make another poor decision.

Connecting to the Horse Whisperer within

Mark [24:35] What’s it like for you to connect to the horse whisperer within yourself?

Roy [24:38] A sense of achievement, because my protocols are starting to work.  When you get angry and upset, the other person doesn’t know. You’re the one that’s at risk.  You’re the one that’s taking that on and causing yourself that enormous anxiety upheaval.  So, in order to avoid that, you’ve got to have a mechanism, which is to say, “okay, I don’t really want to do this, this isn’t me, this is not what I want to be”.  Again, as Pat has taught me is – hang up the phone, don’t reply to a text, get out, disconnect, take a couple of deep breaths and try and just centre back to that inner peace.

Mark [25:21] When you do reconnect back into that inner peace, do connect to the ‘All That Is’ when you are connected in there?

 

Connecting & Healing Old Trauma

Roy [25:30] I think I’ve still got work to do in that area, Mark.  I’m still – there’s some trauma and there’s some discomfort.  There are things I’m still grieving about to some degree.  As I mentioned, family relationships have been a very difficult part of the last 15 years.

Mark [25:52] They’re a good teacher, aren’t they? (Laughter)

Roy [25:57] Sometimes I have a view which is interesting.  I’ve just spoken this to my twin sister at different times.  We say, gee, it’s interesting, we’ve all come from the same gene pool but how differently have we turned out?

Connecting to my ‘All That Is’

Mark [26:12] When you do connect – when I mentioned the ‘All That Is’ – what does that trigger in your mind the concept, ‘All That Is’?

Roy [26:22] Inner peace.

Mark [26:25] When you hit into that inner peace, you talked before about an oneness?

Roy [26:29] Yes. Yep.

Mark [26:32] What’s that oneness like for you?

Roy [26:34] Connection.  Yeah.  I have a really, as I said, a very solitude lifestyle.   You learn to adapt to that lifestyle. I have a very cheeky cat named ‘Duggy’. He’s very much part of my life as a company and an energy force around me when I’m at home.  That oneness and being at peace with yourself is really that cherished connection for me.  To have that inner peace and to feel that I’m part of the trees, part of the sky, part of the birds, just part of everything that has a soul and a spirit about them.

Connecting with my Oneness

Mark [27:14] So, you go beyond yourself?

Roy [27:17] I probably haven’t got to that platform yet.  It’s just – my oneness is about appreciating what I’ve got, where I am, and what I can see, what I can feel, and the energy that I can absorb just by being at peace.

Mark [27:33] When you’re absorbing that energy, what happens to your mental health and your well-being?

Roy [27:40] It just improves.  You just – all that tension, anxiety, grief, sadness, dissipates back to a level that you can start to make some decisions on.  Okay, I’ve got myself to a point.  And that’s where do I decide.  Do I need to go to my GP? Do I need to go and see my psychologist?  Or do I need to go and have a – I’ve got a very good remedial massage practitioner and a very good chiropractor who does kinesiology.  So, I’ve got protocols that I kind of use my GP for guidance to survive in the real world. And the other three are very much about my spiritual and energy and inner self-maintenance.

Being Centred in my Connection

Mark [28:28] And it sounds like – correct me if this doesn’t sit right.  It sounds like when you’re in that oneness. Everything seems to align physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, correct. Yeah. And when it’s aligning, do you notice the different flows happening around and within Roy?

Roy [28:47] It’s very much up and down the centre.  At the start, there’s just a general calm.  I do notice when I have got back my positivity and the right energy, it is very much about, we often make jokes of – centring yourself and all that.  It’s so correct, because when that energy feels particularly up and down your axes per se, and it starts right through.  And it’s interesting how the brain, the heart and the body align to give you that peace.

Mark [29:22] What advice would you have for a young Roy traversing life in the early stages?

Roy [29:31] Oh boy, how long have you got?

Roy [29:35] In a nutshell, do not go down the path of fitting in – be true to yourself and explore what you have and don’t give it up for anyone.

Mark [29:46] Well done.  It’s a pretty powerful piece of advice.

Roy [29:49] Yeah. That’s a big mistake.  I’ll just share a quick story with you.  It’s a story that’s never left me, Mark. It was our first year after we’d finished our HSC as it was then.  I was amongst a group of people and I had a couple of conversations with a woman, like my age.  Then we were all out as a group and we were all talking nonsense and rubbish and telling stupid jokes.   Then suddenly, she just looked at me and said, I’m so disappointed in you, Roy, I thought you were different.  That response resonated, but I wasn’t strong enough to override the power to fit in.

Mark [30:36] Yeah, that male need?

Roy [30:38] Yeah, recognition.

Mark [30:39] Recognition, approval, acceptance.

Roy [30:42] A, B, C, D all the above.  I use that as a powerful reminder of the opportunity that I’d lost with someone that was – at that age to be connected at that level at age 19 would have been something special.  But because my need to be part of the group rather than an individual, I’d lost that opportunity to spend time with this young woman. Who I think probably was struggling for her identity as much as what I was and we could have been very good for each other?

Mark [31:15] It’s wonderful now in this time of evolution, there appears to be a real growth of new masculinity coming through.  There are men like yourself and other men that have had conversations with.  There really challenging the old, toxic masculinity.  I think for a lot of men, we’ve been handed down a poisoned chalice from forefather to the forefather.

Now in this time of evolution, there appears to be a real growth of new masculinity coming through. Click To Tweet

Roy [31:40] Correct. Absolutely.  That’s a good way to put it.

Mark [31:43] There are people like yourself and a lot of other men that are saying, “Hey, we don’t want to pass that chalice down.  Let’s pass down a new chalice to young men coming through the world.  To enable them to really connect in with themselves.  And find that true source of masculine power.

Roy [32:04] Correct.  I will give you another little bit of identifying information is. I went from my year, nine to year 12, I was at an all-male school.  If I had ever had children that would never have happened, it was the worst mistake I made. Because I was trying – the older brothers went to boarding school, I was given the choice.  I said, well, the older brothers have done it, so should I. Rather than saying, I need to stay where I am.

Mark [32:31] Well done. Roy, I really like to take this opportunity to say thank you for sharing your story about your connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is.’  I really appreciate you taking the opportunity, sharing your story so that other men can take a leaf out of your book, to find peace and harmony and tranquillity within that authentic true you.

Roy [32:55] And in turn, I’d like to thank you for the opportunity of giving me a platform to talk about who I am and what my journey has been.  So, there’s very much appreciated. Thank you so much.

Mark [33:04] Namaste.

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