Connecting to My True Self
Mark [0:00] Welcome Roxie Bennett to the Heart of Connection Podcast. I’ve known Roxy for many years we go way back to the Warrnambool Institute days before it was called Deakin.
Roxie [0:09] I know. It’s such a long time ago.
Mark [0:12] It is – isn’t it, how time flies.
Roxie [0:15] Well, it’s really weird Mark because I sort of think about that time – it feels like just like a split second in my life now when I think back to it. But it was pretty amazing, I was only there with you for a year. There was a pretty amazing year.
Mark [0:33] It was the last of the free education.
Roxie [0:35] It was indeed.
Mark [0:39] So since then Roxie has gone on to become self-employed with Roxy Bennett’s Life Changer. She also works as many people probably know with Bay FM as a radio announcer. She’s here today to have a conversation with me about her Heart of Connection to Self, Others and ‘All That Is.’
Roxie [0:58] It is so lovely to be here Mark it really is, I’m loving it.
Connecting to my Transformation Year
Mark [1:02] Great. In terms of connecting to Self – how do – what’s your process? How do you connect to Roxie?
Roxie [1:12] Look I think up until probably this year I didn’t do it terribly well, to be honest. I’ve gone through a bit of a transformation this year. This has seen me lose a lot of weight become a lot healthier, get a lot more active and various other things. But probably more important than all of that – it probably has seen me really connect to myself and to who I am. Interestingly enough, in doing that it’s actually opened up – it’s like a door has been opened. I don’t know about the universe but a doors been open that all these amazing people are walking through you being one. I hadn’t seen you for ages, like years. And various other people though, it’s almost like, by me connecting to who I am and my true self – actually opened me up for others to connect with me, if that makes sense.
Mark [2:19] Makes sense.
Roxie [2:20] So I don’t know why – I don’t know how that works. But I suppose that that’s what happens. I guess that me really connecting to me has – it’s not an easy process and it hasn’t been necessarily a pretty process at times. I think a lot of it be worked around acceptance of who I am and learning to love myself, which I am not sure I ever really did. Some people would be surprised that because I think somebody like me, would have a pretty healthy robust ego and would have quite a bit of self-love. Not that those two necessarily go together. But I don’t think I did and I don’t think I have for pretty much my whole life, until now.
Connecting to all Our Personality Traits
Mark [3:12] Connecting to our full self not easy because there are positive personality traits and there’s also l not so positive personality traits that are all I think designed to self-preserve that fragile sense of self. Connecting to the hard parts of us, we always want to disconnect from them. What have you noticed that you have been connecting some of the bits that you’ve wanted to avoid in the past?
Roxie [3:44] Yeah, I think that’s absolutely right. Part of connecting to me, I had to accept some of the attitudes, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs that I had – that weren’t very nice. It was about acknowledging that at times that I could actually be not a very nice person. I think we all have that – we all do. Look I’m not Mother Teresa trust me, I’m not. What I realized in acknowledging that side of myself was that I had to choose the way that I was to live moving forward. I’ve done it in a fairly simple way where I say, I want to leave above the line. I think we can all be familiar with the concept of above and below the line. Below the line is, you know, sort of more negative stuff and above the line more positive.
Connecting Above the Line
I guess to me, I’ve developed that a bit further, where above the line is where the sunshine is, that’s where the butterflies are. That’s where the fresh air is. That’s where the love is, the kindness, the gratitude, the happiness, the joy, all of those things in the acceptance. Below the line, that’s where the sadness, the resentment, the anger, the regrets, the bitterness, all of those things live above the line. Now, I know that we need to experience those things at times. I know that’s part of a full person but my feeling is that if I spend too much in that place, then I become – I stop seeing the sunshine if that makes sense.
Mark [5:38] Yes, that makes sense. From a psychotherapy perspective, I’m wondering what part of ourselves is underneath that dark stuff that needs our loving-kindness and needs our exploration to connect with it?
Roxie [5:58] Yeah, which sort of suggests there’s another layer. (Laughter). Below the line, then there’s below that line. I was in Queensland recently and not that necessarily relevant. I looked up at the sky, and it was quite cloudy. But there was this little patch where there wasn’t any cloud and the sky was blue. I put something up on social media that essentially said, behind all the clouds is always blue sky. I think that maybe that taps into that a little bit. In that maybe I need to think about where the line placement is and where the blue skies is. Maybe it’s not always above.
Connecting to the Teachings in Times of Darkness
Mark [6:39] I’m wondering, sometimes as we’re going through, it will have those positive blue sky days and weeks and months and then all of a sudden, here’s this black cloud. As we journey through the black clouds as a few lightning bolts that are hitting us – Oooch. That hurt and we don’t like that part of ourselves. We’ll do anything we can to withdraw or escape. But is the connection, deep connection about understanding well okay, when I’m in this sadness when I’m in this – okay what’s going on at a deeper level that I need to connect with perhaps?
Roxie [7:20] Yeah, that’s a really awesome thought. Well in thank you. I appreciate you saying that Mark. Yeah, look you know, your right – when you’re in that place, and you’re feeling all those things. And the lightning strikes you and you’re not happy, but it’s about understanding. It’s not just about unicorns and rainbows up above. That’s not it, actually. It is about embracing what that is understanding it and seeing where – maybe it’s where you need to show your self-kindness.
Connecting to Heal our Shame & Pain
Mark [8:03] And sometimes I call that space the shit and shame here it is, again oh God. How do I then allow just 10% of loving-kindness and compassion to myself at that space? I prefer to have 95%?
Roxie [8:22] Yes, sure, but…
Mark [8:23] Just giving it 10% is all I might be able to master at that point in time, but it’s still a connection to it.
Roxie [8:32] Yeah, that’s really important. I think that’s really good – I’m going to use that, thank you. Because we do dip into that space, it’s inevitable, it’s life. I know that recently, I was sort of felt myself dip a little bit into that space. I’ve been in a way I’ve been trying to pull myself out of it, but really, maybe what I needed to do was acknowledge it. And then understand what was really good on and give me some love and kindness.
Mark [9:04] Yeah, ego’s don’t like surrendering to that stuff?
Roxie [9:07] No and you know, before we came on the podcast, we were talking about egos and how the ego how important obviously it is – but how it, yeah it likes to control the show.
Connecting to Others in Tough Times?
Mark [9:24] When we’re in that dark space, how do we then reach out? As part of that 10% of loving-kindness to someone else that might be able to hold a space for us. Just for us to energetically process or work through what’s really triggered this, where’s this come from?
Roxie [9:47]I probably am not the right person to ask that question because I’m not very good at that. I don’t tend to reach out.
Mark [9:54] And we’re all renowned for pushing all that stuff back down our rabbit holes. We lose our flow-state.
Roxie [10:01] Yes and it’s interesting. There was a period of time earlier this year where I was absolutely inflow. It almost – I described it to somebody, I said, I felt like I was – I didn’t acknowledge it is a flow-state. But just you saying that made me realize that it was. It almost felt like I could feel the wind of the universe moving me so quickly forward. I know it sounds like a weird way of describing it, but that’s how it felt. But I was in the flow, and I think I’ve dropped a bit out of the flow and that’s unsettled me. Yeah. So now what do I do, Mark (Laughter)?
Connecting to Our Flow-States
Mark [10:40] Well, it’s how do we learn to stay connected to when we’re not in flow? Because when we’re in flow, I was like to use the example, Olympic athletes need to be 99.9% inflow. The average bear – we have between 85% and 93% flow. Sometimes we might drop down to 60%. It’s how do we connect to it and just explore and reflect – the universe will bring it up. It’s really hard because the intellectual brain wants the answer the 2 plus 2 is not equalling 4 here. How do we wait for that intuitive message comes from deep within – as “Aha” – here it is. Where did this come from? You know those moments sometimes?
Roxie [11:28] I know exactly those moments. So how do we do that Mark, you tell me (Laughter)?
Roxie [11:34] Is there magic?
Mark [11:35] I wish there was magic. But it’s being able to connect to it and just sensing it and having those conversations reaching out sometimes. But we don’t like reaching out we’re in that space.
Connecting to our Inner Self
Roxie [11:46] No and I’m particularly and I know a lot of people are particularly bad at that – when you’re in that space. I am particularly bad at it. I tend to be – I tend to feel like I can be a fixer for others, but not necessarily always for myself. Having said that, though, I do have a fairly good sense of self-awareness. More so now than I think I probably ever have. So I guess that I think that what that really requires of me now and you’ve really – like you talking about this has really helped me understand what maybe I do need to do to do it. I need to maybe reconnect into that inner, the inner person. The one that we don’t…the one that always makes us cry when we..
Mark [12:38] Yeah that one.
Roxie [12:39] That one. Yeah.
Roxie [12:41] And I just need to maybe spend some time with her.
Connecting to our Giving Self-Love
Mark [12:46] Because I wonder how much love she needs?
Roxie [12:48] Look, you’re going to get me emotional, I think. Do you know what I think she needs? Well, she needs a whole lot – but gee, it’s hard.
Mark [13:00] It is.
Roxie [13:02] I think, yeah, it’s a hard one that one.
Mark [13:05] As a society I think we’re all in that similar boat and we push all that stuff away and try and stay in the light, try and stay in the good, the positive, the happiness. Even trying to stay in the positive, in happiness is like being on a treadmill sometimes. I’m just not getting there, what’s wrong with me?
The treadmill of staying Happiness
Roxie [13:26] Yeah, and you know, I really subscribe to the idea of living above the line and staying in that space. To keep you in a positive framework – frame of mind and positive environment. And more so too, one of the reasons why I like to be in that place is so that I can be positive about others. I want to be able to push positive energy out to others. And so, if I’m in that place, I can do that. But you’re right, it can be a bit of a treadmill and maybe it is more important than when we inevitably dip into the below the line area, that we actually take more time to think about what’s actually going on there.
Mark [14:13] And also, if we can find one or two or three people that we can really trust with that and reach out to them and allow their positive energy to be connected to us, to hold us in that space.
Universal Connection in Times of Need
Roxie [14:26] Do you find Mark because I wonder about this. I see this happening – this happens to me quite a lot. When I’m in that place people tend to show up, quite unexpectedly. I don’t, you’re not – you’re just not expecting to see them. It happened to me actually, at the weekend. Somebody who I’d been thinking about and thought I wanted to connect with. I ran into in Myer and she then said, “I’m so glad I saw you” because then she talked about some stuff that she was dealing with. It was quite some significant stuff. Then I talked to her about some stuff and then – so maybe – are we sending that out is the universe sending them to – do you know the answer? (Laughter)
Mark [15:24] I am wondering whether, you know, energetically and this is that hard word that non-verbal? A lot of our interactions are at a cognitive and intellectual level. But so much of our connection to each other is beyond the intellect. And, Is it right, is it wrong? Perhaps you were sending it out, and someone in the universe a friend heard it at that deeper level and she presented itself and it was co-created at that point in time?
Roxie [15:53] Yeah.
Connecting to Reciprocal Positivity
Mark [15:55] When you connect to others with your positive energy, what do you notice happens to you in that connection to others?
Roxie [16:03] I kind of made a decision earlier this year and this is a really trust me, this is a pretty loft. This ambition that I have. But I wanted to become a person who people felt better from spending time with me. Not because I’m a raconteur or funny or all of those things, whatever. But because they felt better within themselves. So what I want when I connect with people is to be able to give that positive energy so that they are lifted. So for me, that’s where that connection is. When I find that with people, by me pushing that energy out, I find that people really give me back this amazing energy and so I walk away feeling better.
Connecting With Love?
Mark [17:07] As I’m sitting here with you, just connecting with you? The word was sitting for me – are you giving out a love?
Roxie [17:16] Well, I think it probably is. I guess I wouldn’t have given it that title, necessarily. But it is a love, that’s what it is.
Mark [17:31] And as you give it out, you receive it back?
Roxie [17:35] Yes.
Mark [17:37] What happens to your well-being? What happens to your body? What happens to your well-being when there’s that reciprocal flow of that connection?
Body Responds to Connection
Roxie [17:47] I had a really distinct response. Like – I literally, my step is lighter, I stand up straighter. The air is crisper, I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude to the universe or to whatever greater power but that be. I am filled with a sense of joy and I experienced that on a very regular basis.
Mark [18:24] Beautiful place to be in.
Roxie [18:26] It is an absolutely beautiful place to be in. I often experience after a yoga class, which is no surprise necessarily. But even just spending time with people. It is extraordinary, I haven’t ever thought of it in that context but that’s-that’s what it is.
Mark [18:49] Life’s really interesting – it’s an amazing energy. When we’re in it, I’m wondering how much flow-state we have when we’re there? What happened to our ego? As you’re sharing the story it looked really centred as like, wow – this is – you’re in there.
Connection to My Inner Powerful Journey
Roxie [19:07] Yeah. You know I’m going to throw something in here that I think is really relevant to that feeling. One of the things that have been part of my journey over the past 12 months, but specifically this year, has been to really improve my gut health. So, I’ve worked really hard with that and being really mindful of what goes in my mouth. And what I experienced in the environment to improve my gut health. What’s interesting is, that oxytocin which is the love hormone, the hormone we feel when we are in love is produced mostly, as is serotonin and melatonin few other toxins are in our gut. What’s interesting I have found since my gut has been better, I’ve drawn this correlation. But I do get that overwhelming sense of love. It’s almost like I’ve freed up my gut to be able to produce that hormone, which then does give me that. The mental, like feeling or emotional feeling of love. To the point where I’ve actually said to people, oh my god, I’m just feeling so much love for you – I literally had that feeling of love.
Mark [20:37] It’s like – I’m wondering, I was just sharing that – whether everything lines up physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. When it’s all in alignment?
Connecting to Our Flow State ~ Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually.
Roxie [20:49] That’s when you’re inflow. That’s when you are truly connecting to who you are and to your universe, whatever that university is for you. I think it’s it is completely connecting. One of the things that I’ve been it’s been part of my journey is this development of what’s called the butterfly plan. Which is a weight loss and wellbeing program for women of a certain age? Dare I say, middle-aged women, women like me. And one of the things that I’ve really stressed this program is whilst – look, anybody, believe it or not, can lose any amount of weight that they want – anytime just cut down what you put in your mouth and you can lose weight. It’s that simple it’s ridiculous. But that’s not what this is about. What I want my journey to be about and what the journey I would like other women to come on with me to be about, is about having the mind in the right place. Having their gut in the right place, having the body in the right place, having their mouth and what goes into their body in the right place. And having the joy in the right place and that is about that mind, body, spirit. It’s completely about that. It’s about us being holistic beings, that losing weight and feeling well isn’t about going on some diet. It’s got nothing to do with the diet. You will lose weight if you do it – that’s whatever. But what losing weight and feeling well is about and I’ll explain why weight loss is important. It is about getting all of those things lined up.
Aligning to Our Deepest Intention
Mark [22:30] Aligning to our deepest intention?
Roxie [22:32] Yep, that’s it.
Mark [22:34] How deep does that deepest intention go to? I wonder how deep that is?
Roxie [22:40] Look, I think for me it has gone quite deep.
Mark [22:48] Do you know it?
Roxie [22:52] I think I do sometimes but then I lose it a bit.
Mark [23:00] What do you experience to your connection when you lose it?
Roxie [23:05] I think I get a sense of feeling a little bit lost, I lose the flow. That’s what I lose. When I’m not in a flow-state that’s where I start to question the deepest intention.
Intuitive Sense versus Intellectual Brain
Mark [23:18] And that looked really intuitive? Then we go racking our intellectual brains to try and well – what’s going on – what’s going on.
Roxie [23:27] Exactly.
Mark [23:28] 2 plus 2 – 1 plus 1 not equally 2. I wonder whether we can tend to over-rely on that intellectual brain of ours and a lot of this is at a deeper level?
Roxie [23:40] Yeah, 100%. I think that – getting back to gut health, I’m a bit of a gut health nut. We, they say that gut is the second brain. Hippocrates said that you know, thousands of years ago.
Roxie [24:01] I don’t believe it’s a second brain. I actually believe it is our brain. Our gut has always been our brain and we’ve been treating it so appallingly. You know poor it but how amazing that it’s kept civilized civilization going. Our head and what’s in our head in that brain – that’s our mind that’s not even our brain. Like that’s just our – that’s that bit – you’re talking about that intellect. That’s our inner three-year-old playing up that’s what is. Us trying to make sense of the universe without stopping and saying just experience it just be it. So, not sure what I was answering you then.
Connecting to the ‘All That Is’
Mark [24:48] Now to – you used the term universe. I term the universe as the ‘All That Is’ – when you’re in that ‘All That Is’ physically, mentally, emotionally spiritually. What do you notice happens to your well-being, to gut health, to mind, to your heart?
Roxie [25:10] Everything is improved. Everything like it really, if you’re in that place everything gets better. It’s interesting when I say like – this just coming off that slightly. The thing about weight loss one of the reasons why I think weight loss was important for me and why it is important for everybody. Whose waist measurement is more than half their height? That’s a good thing – good measure. Is it just means you’re going to get sick? There’s nothing surer. It’s the biggest indication that we have that we’re going to be unwell with chronic illness into our 60’s and 70’s. And because we’re all going to live until we’re 100 and something you do not want to be an unwell person in your later years.
Connecting Back to Our Flow-State
But what I think that all comes back to with this flow-state – I don’t think you can get that right unless you’ve got the other bits, right. So unless you’re in that flow-state, it’s really, I can be flippant and say, look, anyone can lose weight, just eat as much. But the reality is that not everyone can do that. Because if you’re not in that flow-state, you’re not in a state to be able to do it. I think and I’m just having an epiphany here, thank you, Mark. That I think I was able to do it because I actually was in it. I got myself into a flow-state and then it was just easy.
Mark [26:46] And certain challenges will trigger transformation. When we’re ready to hear it, to acknowledge it, and step into it, we do it. A healthy body equals a healthy mind. I’m wondering whether in our western world we too caught up in the fast-paced – the digital age. We’ve gotten away from the simple basic things of reconnecting, reconnecting back to earth, reconnecting back to nature. Keeping it simple. In keeping it simple, I’m wondering how much then flows? How much do we get caught up in a busy mind of ours?
Roxie [27:34] Without a doubt. You think about the monks who sit in caves and have nothing and they just sort of in the concept flow-state or… I mean, obviously, that’s not realistic for us – as people who live in this 21st century. But I think that if we do take it back to a more simplistic level that it is going to improve who we are and how we exist in our life. But doing that is really, really hard. I don’t know how-how do you get somebody to jump from that busy-crazy to that more simplistic? I don’t know if that’s a question.
Connecting to Letting Go
Mark [28:22] One is letting go. We need to let go of some of the mind-stuff. Letting go of the business we can get quite used to the business. It’s becomes just a natural thing.
Roxie [28:36] And bit addictive too.
Mark [28:37] And a bit addictive. It’s how do we let that go? Meditation and quiet time, connecting to nature. In that connection to nature, there’s an expansiveness. In nature, we can look at a tree and connect to that tree. It’s not going to answer us back. But we drop and we have to get used to that dropping. Because it’s a new dropping, it’s a new space.
Roxie [29:09] Well, it is a new space because it’s almost like we’ve been, it’s been taught out of us. I would love to think that, you know, I wish yoga and meditation was taught in schools as just as what happened, right from kindergarten. I just wish that that was – I wish it was something that had always been part of my life. Knowing how beneficial it is, but it is that. That’s the thing that saves us, that’s the thing that saves me.
Connecting Beyond Words to ‘All That Is’
Mark [29:44] If you and I were on the podcast. If we were to sit here we were sort of connecting to it now. We wouldn’t need to use words. The energy, we’re both sitting, touching it and if we just said in silence, we’d be there. Yeah. An amazing connection.
Roxie [30:05] What’s interesting about this – is that I think people tend to think that they’ve got to do something magical or guru ish or meditative or whatever to achieve that. But I don’t think you do. I think you’ve just got to open up your heart. And maybe that is about what I was – that was maybe the transformation for me. Is like we said before, like my mind, I thought it was that I wanted people to feel better from spending time with me. But what it actually was me giving love and that love them making them give love back and that’s where the connection is. It opens up a little portal to us.
Connecting to Our Beautiful Portal in Life
Mark [30:51] What a beautiful portal?
Roxie [30:52] Yes, what a beautiful portal.
Mark [30:55] And it’s how do we remind ourselves to reconnect with that when we lose it.
Roxie [31:03] That’s a hard bit.
Anchoring & Connection to Our Beautiful Portal
Mark [31:04] What are the stepping points? What are the anchor points back into that? How do we practice that anchoring back into that space because it is there? It’s there and looking into your eyes now – I can see it-its there. Yeah. We’re touching a beautiful thing to do.
Roxie [31:23] So how I, how I’ve found a way to anchor back to it is through yoga and meditation. Where I will very deliberately dedicate my yoga to people that I feel I need to connect more with. Do you get me?
Mark [31:49] Yeah I do get you and how to take that yoga with you in each minute of your day?
Roxie [31:55] That is where it gets tricky (laughter).
Connecting to Gratitude ~ an Anchor to My Beautiful Portal
Roxie [31:58] Because we’re not a monk sitting in a cave in India. So it isn’t something that we’re doing 24 seven. But you’re right, how do we do that. I tend to – one of the things that I find is really important. And one of the things that I really encourage the women who are doing my weight loss and wellness plan to do. Is to express gratitude every day. I think that’s one way we can bring it with us.
Mark [32:25] I’ve been doing that for a number of years now. And even when I’m expressing gratitude, sometimes I can’t find anything to have gratitude for. Even if I’m in that dark place, I’m now having gratitude for being in a dark place. Yeah, because it’s a space, I don’t like it, I’m connecting to it, but I have gratitude for it because there’s teaching here for me to connect to something deeper within myself that might need healing.
Roxie [32:58] So that’s one of the things that I want to live with too. Is that everything and I look particularly look at my past and all the things in my past? All the tough times and all the shit storms and everything, all that crap, and all of that. And not have any regret for it, but be grateful for it because all of that has brought me to this point. This point, even this point, just sitting here with you Mark – this, what a great joy and how incredibly grateful am I that it’s brought me to this moment?
Mark [33:43] Well done.
Roxie [33:44] You know.
Mark [33:45] Yeah, beautiful moment.
Roxie [33:47] Exactly. So it’s – I think that’s about the way that we connect.
Roxie [33:52] I think in this society, too often with thought that to experience those things and experience that deeper more spiritual dare I say. But that kind of deeper feeling that we’ve had to be a bit Kumbayah(ish) or a bit whatever. A bit of a hippie or whatever. But what I want to say is that here I am as a 21st-century woman, runs a business, does media, does all this sort of stuff and for me, this is such an important part of who I am and how I live my life. I’ve got the smartphone and I’ve got the-this and that. But it’s – it is at the core of my absolute happiness and joy. And so we all can have this, you don’t just have to be a hippie and living in a commune or whatever.
Mark [34:53] As Carl Jung said, ‘the greater the light, the darker the shadow.’
Roxie [34:57] Oh, that’s a good one (Laughter).
Mark [35:01]Anything as I am just mindful of time, is there anything else that you’d like to share about the connection to listeners?
Honouring My Passed Deeply Loved
Roxie [35:10] The one thing I think is really probably the most important connection that I have or connections that I have been with the people who have passed. I think about my parents, my Mum and my Dad and my Grandmother and Grandfather, particularly and an Uncle of mine as well. I think about them and feel connected to them pretty much every day. And why they’re so important to me, is that I think that’s made me realize that no matter where we are, in life or death, we’re part of each other. They’re part of the fabric of me, they’re part of who I am. And in a way that’s given me a belief and a hope – a bit of belief that I will be a part of the people who are my children and the others that are significant to me into the future. Like way beyond transcending all time, you know, we might live to we’re 100. But that part of me is going to continue on the millennia. As my parents and the people have been part of me – significant people. So I think, one thing I would love people to be able to do is to celebrate those who have gone not in a sad way but be so grateful that they have still formed a part of the fabric of us and keep that connection. That’s an important connection.
Connecting to the Butterfly Plan
Mark [36:50] If women are wanting to contact you for the Butterfly?
Roxie [36:54] Butterfly plan, the best way to find me is Roxie Bennett.com that’s Roxie. So Roxie Bennett.
Mark [37:06] If there’s been any issues that have triggered people from our conversation they can either contact you or contact me.
Roxie [37:14] Yeah, absolutely. It’s been just such a joy catching up Mark and chatting and at a pretty deep level.
Roxie [37:34] That will be just wonderful and thank you for the invitation.
Mark [37:37] Namaste.
Roxie [37:38] Namaste.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai