As a life coach over the years I have worked with many couples who are both trying to improve the “connection” they have with each other. Our connections go through flow states. There are times where there is a beautiful warm and we are flowing really well together and our intolerance(s) have dissolved into this warmth.
There is then the difficult other period where we are still loving but there is a discomfort between each other. This discomfort can like the old idiom of ‘the invisible elephant in the room.‘ How often do we stop and lovingly pause to reflect within ourselves? It is the like a bubble of energy that buffers between each other. You know, it’s like the space of hoping in the car and the air could be cut with a knife. The hard part is how we react to each other in this space. Stop and lovingly pause before we react. There can be a range of subconscious triggers impacting on each other and we may each silently blame the other. Instead of verbalizing the blame how may we look within ourselves and experience what and where is this trigger derived from inside of us. As we take the time to process this it can take the rawness from the discomfort we are presently working through.
It is amazing how this rawness is expressed in couples coaching sessions. It is like sitting in the space and watching the intellectualized debate go back and forth trying at best to prove and/or disprove each other is responsible. In this debate I feel like using the “diving board” scoring cards and rank the potential point scoring. When I share this with couples they recognize the familiar argument zone they have gotten themselves into. I also in this situations I like to share with them a quote I found from Tara Brach in relation to this:
“We might be in the middle of an argument with our partner, and instead of saying the next thing to prove our point, we pause. In that pause we can allow ourselves to contact the insecurity or hurt that lies under our defensiveness, which in turn may open the door to honest communication and more mutual understanding”
This is a beautiful reminder to each and every one of us to stop and lovingly pause in strong discussion(s). As we stop, breath and connect into ourselves and reflect on what really is being triggered here in this present moment? Many times we find an aspect of vulnerability is missing something and perhaps that is the deep warmth of connection that we have flowed momentarily away from.